How important is "closure" to you in relationships? I tend to want it, other people - men in particular -- seem to find it unecessary. They want to just let go and move on.

If someone who had hurt you and wronged you later contacted you to ask for an opportunity to apologize and gain "closure," would you do it?


KLC said...


britney said...

Depends on how much time has passed (the more the better) and whether I suspect/fear any ulterior motives beyond closure alone (attempt at causing more pain, attempt to get back together, etc.) I trust my gut on whether it will be a healthy decision for me or whether it would just open myself to more pain.

dedanaan said...

Yes, I have done it. About two years after we broke up, he called to "see how I was doing." At that point, I wasn't ready to talk to him, at least nicely. He called last year (approximately nine years after we broke up), apologized for his past mistakes, admitted I was right about a lot of things, said he regretted a lot, yada yada. I had moved on enough, and maybe grown enough, too, to be able to forgive. Mind you, I would NEVER get into a relationship with him again, but if he's big enough to admit his mistakes, I'm big enough to be friendly to him.

And I'm's much easier to feel good about someone, esp. someone you cared a lot about at one time, than to harbor angry feelings.

eleven said...

I might listen,but my experience has been that this is just something that they are doing for themselves (so that they can feel less guilt-ridden)and it really has nothing to do with me or how their actions may have effected me."Closure" is bunk!(Just another means of control...)

karrie said...

There is only one person from my past that I could imagine might ask for closure, and yes, I would grant it.

I agree with Britney that you need to trust that you're in the right place to offer closure though.

Wolverine said...

Personally, I would have an enormous problem if Ross wanted to meet with his ex, the "artiste", and get some closure. But, then, *you* probably didn't pose naked in your ex's "art" book, and *you* would probably not keep a copy of that "art" book around even if you did, and *you* certainly wouldn't get caught looking through it every now and then with passion in your eyes.

There's a reason they call jealousy a monster.

Tell your ex to write you a letter if he has things he has to say, let him mail it, then. Why risk pissing off that cute Jon.

Laura Linger said...

Oh, it depends. It depends.

I mean, if the guy who beat me within an inch of my life practically every day of our relationship contacted me for some "closure," I would know instantly that there was some ulterior motive. His heart is not pure. All that he knows is hatred, and what's worse, he thinks that it's love. To speak with him again and give him his "closure" would be to play into his hysteria and dramatics again, and I am just not that person anymore. I am not a woman who permits a man to treat her like that, even in the name of "closure."

Besides, Ken would beat the living shit out of him if Matt ever contacted me again.

Then there's the cheating kinds...I have had men cheat on me in the past and realize their mistakes and sincerely apologize. One very recently, in fact. He contacted me because he had been thinking about me and how stupid it was that he permitted Mr. Happy to ruin a perfectly terrific relationship. I really, really loved this boy. We broke up way back in 1990, and it took me years to get over him. I still don't think that I am totally over him yet. His apology was welcome, and I am pleased that he is happy in his life and his work. I'm happy in my own life and work and marriage and place in this world, so I could give him that "closure" and feel good about it.

Actually, the toughest instance of "closure" that I have ever given was with a former friend of mine who is a female. I won't go into the particulars, but when she betrayed me in a very terrible way, it nearly killed me. She wasn't "like" a sister. She WAS my sister. To have her turn on me like a rabid dog is something that gives me the chills as I type this. Her betrayal, and the subsequent loss of her friendship, changed me as a person...and not for the better. I was always mistrustful and suspicious of women, preferring to be friends with men. She fulfilled every fear that I had about women friends, and then some. Recently, we got in touch with one another. I got my opportunity to vent my spleen about what she did to me. She got the chance to apologize and attempt to explain her actions. I realized as we spoke that I still loved her, and that I missed her, and that I wished like hell that we were still so close. I also realized that the universe had spoken, and that we were both precisely where we were supposed to be. There was "closure." A closing of the door, finally, on a friendship gone horribly awry. "Closure," yes. I only wish now that someone would tell me how to heal this big old hole in my chest, where my heart used to be.

katie allison granju said...

Wolverine - You amuse the heck outta me ;-)

And actually, the closure question is about Jon, not me. His ex contacted him out of the blue...

Wolverine said...

Uh, oh, Katie. BRACE YOURSELF.

I was just thumbing through Ross's copy of "Industrial Strength" for old time's sake, and came across a very disturbing resemblance... Get rid of the earthy little beard, tack on a soul patch, maybe some tanning and weight lifting, and there's Jon gazing out on page 34!!

So here's what you need to do -

While watching his reaction VERY CAREFULLY, ask:

"Does the name Forrest ring a bell?"

"Where were you in summer 2000?"

"Any recollection of posing nude with, say, a nail gun?"