not saying no

There are ways I really want my daughter to be different from me and tonight reminded me of one of them.

A few weeks ago I had a first date with a man who really upset and scared me. Seriously, it was probably the most freaky encounter I have ever had with a man, and it left me pretty shaken up. I had offers from several male friends to kick his ass or worse, but I told them that I hoped to just never see him again.

Well, I guess that was fairly unlikely, and tonight I ran into him at a show I went to see (The Divine Brown and The High Score -- a pretty good show, by the way. Hadn't planned to go after the benefit thing but ended up going anyway)

I came out of the bathroom at this bar and there he was, literally standing directly in front of me. Before I could even process that he was standing there, he grabbed me and hugged me. Now you have to understand that last time I saw him, I fled his presence (and his vehicle) near tears. There is NO WAY he could think it was okay for him to put his hands on me.

Not only did he grab me and hug me, he said, "Hey Kate. Can't we be friends?" I muttered something noncommital and started to walk away, feeling creepy, when he began to grab me AGAIN and said something about needing "a second hug."

Why I did not punch him in the face or kick him or at least tell him very emphatically to get his goddamn hands off of me, I don't know. Instead, I was all wimpy and just grabbed onto the friend I had come with and muttered some introduction and then pulled my friend out the door and onto the sidewalk.

And then I just felt terrible. I considered going back into the bar and telling him what I should have told him when he grabbed me, but instead I just came home, feeling like a total wuss.

I have no idea why I didn't speak up. Was it all those "be nice" and "be polite" lessons I had drilled into me growing up? Was I still somewhat scared of the guy, despite the fact that I was surrounded by people whom I know and like, and who wouldn't have let anything bad happen to me? I don't know.

All I know is that I want to figure out why I reacted that way and also try to figure out how to impart to my daughter that she doesn't have to EVER let anyone touch her or even speak to her unless she wants him to, and that it's okay to be aggressively negative with anyone who bothers her.

I'll have to give the whole thing some thought.

Off to bed... big horse show in Kentucky tomorrow...