dear christian penthouse...

I'm still working on my own Godly story for the site I talked about below, but Toby Martin Applegate is already all over it and he told me I could post his hopeful submission.

Thanks TMA!

And remember, you read it here first...errr, second!

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Dear Christian Penthouse,

I can't believe this happened to me. I was on my way back from the Kelly Clarkson concert with my friend Jim. Jim is assistant youth minister for extreme sports at our church, Our Saviour in the WalMart SuperCenter and a really good looking guy. He's the best to be around when you are looking for girls to hang out with because he always has a lot of the guys from the youth ministry with him whereever he goes. Jim has a magnetic personality and a huge tattoo of Jesus on the cross, doing pushups across his shoulders. When we are at the gym, he does a lat-deltoid flex that makes the tattoo look like it is pumping up and down. It is so cool.

Anyhow, Jim suggested that we stop in at the coffee shop next to Books-A-Million. He said a lot of nice girls hang out there, but a lot of them need saving because they buy copies of 'hot books' and sit and read them by themselves. Jim told me that he read a column by James Dobson about these books. Rev. Dobson said that these books are all about making women forget their necessary premarriage chastity. So we resolved to go in to that coffeeshop and do some serious witnessing. Who knows we might meet the women of our dreams and bring her to the Lord!

We went in and I got my usually double mocha decaf latte made with soy milk and Jim -- he's such a stud -- ordered a 'shot in the dark.' Not only does this drink have caffeine, it has espresso added to it! Jim said he acquired his taste for espresso after his missionary work converting Catholics to Christianity in Tuscany. We scanned the place for a place to sit after our orders came up.

Jim spied several likely candidate women for a bit of the old witnessing, but my eyes settled on a target, sitting alone in the corner. She was reading some book called "The Second Sex." I knew this book from our "Confronting Feminism" retreat that our pastor, Harley McCracken, lead last summer! I turned to Jim and said, "That's the one." He looked at her and said "Great men have tried to witness to her. She's hardcore on the side of the Devil. You can try but she will not turn."

I built up my resolve and went over to talk to her. She told me her name was Erin and that she was a doctoral student in post-colonial studies at the University. "Wow! I am so interested in Columbus's good works too," I said. She kind of wrinkled her nose and said, "I don't think you understand" and then launched into some horrid liberal diatribe about how colonialism caused enormous suffering everywhere is was applied. Well, I told her the parable of the Talents and all about how that allowed certain people to act as masters of others because they possessed certain talents that others did not (We read about this at our weekly Christian businessman's meeting -- I own a lawn mowing service, y'know). She laughed and quoted some Scripture! It was something I had never read before in any of our preinterpreted study books that Pastor McCracken recommends. She said that the early Christian communities relinquished private property and shared all things equally. She said it was from Acts, but I didn't believe her!

I knew then that this was the woman that I was willing to give up my silver ring for. I mean she had time to clean, cook, have children AND READ THE BIBLE! I told her my intentions and she laughed at me. I was 'breaking the ice!' About this time, Jim came by with a young man he had met next door at a place called 'The Stud.' Seems the toilet wasn't working well at the coffeeshop and Jim went over there to use it. The young man introduced himself. All I remember was that he was wearing a jacket that looked exactly like the one I wanted from Target. I asked him where he got it and he said 'It's Michael Kors.' Some men are comfortable borrowing other guys' clothes; I am not. Jim said they were leaving and asked me if there was anyway that I could catch a ride home? Sure, no problem! I had that silver ring to get rid of!

Erin agreed to take me to the nearest busstop, but I was only thinking of the altar. She looked at me in a sort of "I am looking at a puppy dog" way that many women do. She said, "You are an awfully sweet guy. My place is on the way to the busstop. Would like to come by for a night cap?" How could I say "No" and why do I need a cap at night?

We went into her place and my heart leapt with trepidation. This is how that biblical king felt when he got taken down into that tiger lair -- I think that's how it goes. I was expecting a feminist's house to have a big cauldron, some black cats, an 8-year-old girl in chains and lots of black leather. But her place was not like that at all. She had a lot of furniture that she had collected when she was in the Peace Corp in Mali. I know where Mali is because our men's weightlifting team at the church holds a benefit contest to build internet cafes in remote villages there. Anyhow, she offered me a beer. Oh, heavens!!! This is the seduction part. I knew she was a succubus of some higher order! When I said, "No, Thanks," she shrugged and made me a cup of chamomile tea. I settled in and asked her all about her spiritual life. She told me she believed in God and, even, went to some sort of church called "Unitarian." I made a mental note to ask my pastor about what this sort of church was like.

I started to get drowsy and she said, "Would you like to stay here?" I couldn't say no; her place was so comfortable and I felt totally safe there. The last time I felt this way was when my mom divorced her 4th husband and remarried my natural father. "Sure. I'll stay." She asked me if I would like to share her bed and I politely demurred. I mean, What Would Jesus Do? I know that's not the "in" Christian bromide, but I couldn't bed down with her, it isn't right. "I'll stay on the couch," I said.

The morning came and she made a wonderful breakfast with, get this, no meat in it! I really enjoyed this interesting Middle Eastern drink called 'Kefir.' Who says that the only thing they have is oil? Anyway, as I was leaving, she gave me a kiss on the cheek and said that she would like to see me again. We said we would meet again at that same coffee shop. For some reason, she said that she didn't think it was necessary to bring Jim along this time.

In the end, I married her after a two year courtship. We have two wonderful children, Luna Ruth and River Christian and we share all of our tasks in life in a big strawbale house. That first night was amazing but something between her and me, so don't go there! Also, I am now attending that 'Unitarian' church and Jim isn't with that guy he met at the coffeeshop. I don't think that lasted too long. But that guy, his name is Lance, goes to our church and has a wonderful friend Joe who 'did' our wedding! So many interesting people are there. Rev. McCracken told me I would not see Heaven's Pearly Gates, but I think he is wrong! I think I have found a bit of it here on earth!

So that's my story and I guess the moral of it is this: Neither Youth Ministers or Feminists are what they seem on first blush!

Signed,

Minister of Cross-Cultural Music and Crafts, First Unitarian Church of Sheboygan.