visceral

Both my husband and I had previous marriages. Mine lasted 12-plus years. I still have a great deal of grief over the whole thing and probably always will. Jon is extremely understanding of this. I always say that for me, being divorced is sort of like missing a limb; I have become very adept at functioning without the limb (which hurt like HELL to be amputated), but I will always be aware that it's gone.

Jon's marriage was very, very brief. They dated for several years but were only married less than two years. And he has zero grief. I think he mostly feels grateful that it ended as quickly as it did (though it was not his choice at all, even a little bit) because he knows it could have been much more complicated and painful if it had gone on longer. But he is remarkably levelheaded about the whole thing and where it fits into his life story and what it all meant. I think his family has more anger and resentment about what happened to him on his behalf than he has for himself. (Those Hickmans have each others' backs ;-)

I am always a bit jealous of his thoughtful, productive approach to viewing what the relationship was to him. He's just....over it. Someone treated him without respect or honestly and thus, he knows he is better off without them in his life. End of story.

So last night we went to this venue to see a band and dance. Apparently his ex regularly did some sort of social dancing (swing dancing?, )often at this venue. So being there made him feel very uncomfortable. He tried as hard as he could to enjoy himself, and even to dance with me, but finally he had to be honest with me that being there, with that kind of music playing and people dancing, just made him feel, well, bad. We've been dancin together at another place, and had a blast, but this particular Knoxville spot just brought up a flood of unpleasant recollections.

He wanted to leave. So we left. It was the first time he's ever expressed any sense of lingering hurt over his lost relationship. I felt terrible that I had put him in that position. I never want him to hurt. I can't imagine anyone hurting this profoundly kind, decent, honest, loving man. In fact, if anyone ever does again, they will have me to deal with.

We will dance at home.