40%

I try very hard to look at the bright side of my post-divorce parenting situation. After all, sometimes it's nice to have a little break from caring for my children. But sometimes, I am struck by how tragic the whole thing is and a wave of sadness engulfs me for a while. That's how I'm feeling lately. On the day I signed my divorce agreement, I essentially signed away 40% of my children's childhoods. It's lost to me forever. Because they are with thier father, who isn't with me, I miss 40% of bed times, dinners, stories, lego creations, amazing ideas blurted out, mudpies, impromptu plays, etc, etc, etc. It's horrible. They come home today after 5 days away and I feel ravenously hungry for time with them. But the day they come home after a long weekend like this is always a little bit of a transition for all of us. The going back and forth is probably harder for them than I can even imagine. I know the separations are horrible for me and I don't even have to schlep back and forth between two households.

I am feeling very resentful of time other people get with my children that I don't get, even though I am their mother. Their father is remarrying and even though this person has only known my children for a few months, she gets entire weekends with them that I don't get. That hurts. I think it's really important for children to have many adults who love them and care for them in their lives - not just parents - but I'll admit to intense resentment when I fall asleep at night knowing that some other woman, who didn't birth them or nurse them or raise them is getting to enjoy reading them to sleep that night. It's a pointless emotion, but there it is.

I hope I have the opportunity to mother again, full time, one day. I'd like to have another baby. But damn, I surely do miss the three I have.