I've been single for four years now. That's hard to believe.
The first year, I was in complete and utter shock. I never imagined going on a DATE ever again, much less being in another relationship.
The second year, I started to notice what was going on around me a bit more and think I could maybe eventually date again. I swore I would NEVER marry again, though there were many things I missed a lot about being part of a married couple.
The third year, I dated a lot and had a really, really, REALLY good time and also discovered that having my own house, job, bank account, bed, and life - stuff I never had before moving in with my soon-to-be husband at age 21 - was pretty great in a lot of ways. I stopped envying married people and started noticing how unhappy many of the married people I know are. Or at least how much they complained about their spouses. I made several very special male friends who have become very important to me.
The fourth year, I started to slow down and think about the possibility that maybe I could be in a serious relationship again. I fell "in love" with a really, really unsuitable person who treated me terribly, and I got my heart broken. It was something that sort of had to happen before I could maybe really fall in love.
And now I find myself thinking that maybe I would like being married again. SOme days that scares me, but mostly because I worry that it's possible I'm just really, really bad at being somebody's wife or even their serious girlfriend. I'm terribly out of practice. I've gotten a bit set in my ways. I have discovered that I need regular time to myself. Are these things compatible with marriage?
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I don't want to sell anything, buy anything, or process anything as a career. I don't want to sell anything bought or processed, or buy anything sold or processed, or process anything sold, bought, or processed, or repair anything sold, bought, or processed. You know, as a career, I don't want to do that.
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12 comments:
Yes, time for yourself is compatible with marriage. I had the opposite experience--was on my own from 17-32--and was pretty certain I would not marry, largely because I need lots of alone time, and was so used to doing my own thing.
Find someone who feels similarly or who is wiling to negotiate. I do have to step back at times and make sure that I'm giving my husband enough attention, (and make sure that I'm not falsely thinking he is "telling me what to do"). We have had the odd fights when he feels neglected or I feel fenced in, but overall it has not been that difficult to work out.
Marriage is tough though. So far the struggles have been worth it to me, but I'm really not sure that I would seek it out if something happened to end my current relationship. I'd make a happy old spinster, surrounded by books, eccentric friends and cats. :)
Ugh, need more coffee. Spinster-esque old lady, since having been married and a mom, I'd never be a real spinster.
Yes, alone time is compatible with marriage. But you must find a partner who also feels secure enough to allow for that time. Allow? Not the correct word, but at the same time if he isn't secure he will push and nag until you give up your "me" time. How will you know? When you become serious in the relationship he will not define you. He will not feel rejected if you choose to knit, write, or go out with your girlfriends.He will not be jealous of your guy friends.He will not demand that you spend all free time either with him or doing something for him.I have been married almost 20 years, it works.But sometimes you do have to give up me time because he really needs you;sometimes you will whine about him to girlfriends.And sometimes you will feel as if you can't breathe unless he ishome with you.Remember, passion comes and goes:friendship lasts. Make sure you have a strong base before a committment is made.
I agree with the other long time married women that marriage is very compatible with alone time if you marry a mate who also knows how to be alone within a relationship. Both need to have their own full life, with work and personal interests to sustain a good marriage. Both also need to enjoy time part of a family.
This is all such excellent advice! Thanks :-)
I am in a serious relationship now that makes me very, very happy. I've been seeing this person since the start of the year. I am so glad I didn't meet him even one year ago. I just wasn't ready.
My divorce was a defining event for me. People thik it's weird that I'm still not completely "over it," and maybe it is, but it was just so traumatic - the way it happened and the custody fight and how long it took. It completely changed my worldview and really, really made me doubt my ability to be somebody's wife. WHen someone tells you enough times to your face and in court docs that you basically sucked at being a wife, at a certain point you start to wonder whether you actually did!
ANd I definitely had my faults as a wife. There are things I would do very differently if I had the opportunity to go back in time.
And if I do it again, I want to get it as "right" as you can get it - with the realization that you have to adjust and change along with the relationship and life circumstances.
But I never again want to completely lose myself in a relationship with a man. I need to be myself, do the things that make me, me...and feel like that other person is secure enough and loves me enough to be okay with that.
Rambling thoughts from....
-Katie :-)
you know, i would love to get married, and i resent the hell out of the fact that i can't. but i also believe that the early success of my relationship is in some way connected to not being able to get married.... my partner and i have been together for 19 years, and the early years were difficult in many ways. we were young (21 when we started dating), trying to figure out where to live, what to do with our lives, how to nurture each other and ourselves, how, when and where to raise a family, how to grow through the grief of a death in the family. and in some weird way that i can't completely explain, not having the option to marry gave us a freedom to do all that in a way that was ultimately healthy -- and allowed us to grow into the happy, boring, [un]married old couple that we are today! somehow not having any roles attached to us, not having any defining moment that was somehow the "start of the rest of our lives together," not having a script that the world thought they understood, and expectations for who a "wife" is and what she's supposed to do and be, and how she's supposed to relate to herself and the world and her partner and her children ... well, that was all very freeing.
disclaimer here: i'm not saying that folks shouldn't get married. i'm not saying that folks who get married early can't have really creative, beautiful relationships that defy society's expectations of what a marriage is, who a wife is, who a husband is, etc. i'm just saying that i suspect that my own relationship has been successful in those regards at least in part because we just didn't have the option of marriage early on, and we *had* to map our own course.
Katie,
Don't doubt yourself. I had a similar experience to yours and when the first relationship ended I thought I was unloveable and unable to be someone's partner. I couldn't have been more wrong. I too accept that I wasn't the perfect partner in the first relationship, but now I'm a damned good wife and I'm proud of it.
Also, the stuff about the alone time -- My husband and I are one of those sickening couples that are never ever ever apart. We do practically everything together and we're so crazy about each other it even makes us want to puke. BUT! During an average week we each find ourselves without the other and each of us cherishes those precious hours of "ME" time. My husband has a poker night once a month and also a sci-fi movie club he goes to too, both without me. He loves it. It doesn't mean that we don't miss each other when we're apart, but you can't give up your individual identity when you're married. Alone time/individual time alone is necessary in a relationship. Should you decide to get married again you have to make sure that the amount of your personal time suits your partner and vice versa. If you're truly devoted to each other, this is something you can negotiate.
Best of luck.
Whatever you do, don't rush into anything.
I've been with my live-in boyfriend for almost five years now, and frankly, I miss being single. He's a wonderful person, but very needy; his family believes that being a couple means being attached at the hip, and that just doesn't work for me. As an artist and writer, I need a lot of quiet time to myself to do "my thing." Like you, Katie, I enjoyed having my own place, my own bed (I HATE sleeping with someone!), etc. If he and I don't work out, I won't have any trouble adjusting to single life. I would much rather date someone and each of us have our own place.
I once read an article in The London Times about the growing number of happily single people. One woman said: "Men are like elephants. They're interesting and strong, but I don't want one in my living room." I agree.
Are you, perhaps, thinking more about marriage right now because your ex is getting married? Don't let that make you feel competitive and feel like you, too, need to rush to wed for the wrong reasons.
I'm happy that you've found a special someone, and from what you've written about him and the photos, he seems like a great person. Just don't rush in. Enjoy this time.
Marriage and live in relationships are a full time give and take. It is not a piece of paper or lack there of that defines a relationship. My husband and I have an anniversary coming up and I have to count back to how many years we have been together. Our relationship is about ourselves, our four young children, and each of us as an individual. Because we were both only children you would think we fight alot. But we do not. We carry a load of guilt about our alone time and we had to identify where that guilt comes from and how to release each other from that guilt. You have to take time for yourself, that is not the issue. It is how you as your own person deflects your guilt for taking time out for yourself.We help each other through this by saying "I know it was hard for you to do that for yourself...it was hard for me being with the kids too. I am glad you took that time for yourself and I'm glad you enjoyed yourself."
I wanted to add to my earlier post that the other person must support you in your persuits (sp?) that do not include him. Our minister talked about that in a sermon: not just letting the person do their thing, but encouraging them to do so. When I was in to scrapbooking my husband helped pick out paper etc, he encouraged me to go to parties with friends to scrap, even though I was going to be gone until the wee hours. He included my gym fees in our budget and makes sure to get home in time to feed the kids dinner and do homework. On the other hand, he loves to mountain bike, me NO WAY! But I make sure he gets to go ride with his buddies when he wants. I bought some gear and gadgets etc.The more each can bring into the relationship the better.I also feel like I am ME, not just a wife and mother.We have each changed tremendously since we married, but we've loved those changes: They keep it interesting.
The discussions in this blog are great.
I thought some more about whether I would remarry if something ended my current marriage, and realized one point I left out in my original comment. Maybe this does not apply to you, Katie, but I've struggled a bit with control and sharing parenting decisions with my husband. We've had spats where I felt he was uninformed and he thinks I'm being ridiculously vigilant or worrying too much.
Personally, I cannot imagine how those issues would play out with a stepfather, so if I ever did remarry, it would probably be when my son was close to adulthood, because I'm not sure I'd be capable of letting someone else step on and parent. Just my opinion though!
karrie, I had two wonderful step-parents growing up.The role of a step-parent is not the discipline role.It causes anger and resentment;my steps let my parents hands all the discipline. Not that either of them let me get away with anything...but I feel very close to both of them and lucky to have 4 loving parents instead of two.Since grand-children have come along you can imagine having 4 grandparents to spoil you.
For the record, if something happened to my husband (after almost 20 years together) I do NOT think I would choose to marry again.I think I would have friends.
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