I had a really bad eating disorder (bulimia with perods of not eating at all) from about the time I was 17 until I became pregnant with Henry at age 23. So I am always happy to read about people who SUCCESSFULLY RECOVER FROM BULIMIA.
I've really only gotten normal with my eating - eating only when hungry and only until I am satisfied - in the past three years. Before that, I was always either thinking about eating, thinking about how NOT to eat, or thinking about how big my ass was about 80% of the time I was awake. Whether I was up 15 lbs or down 15 lbs, I always felt huge and I was obsessed with food and how to avoid consuming it.
Now I am at a healthy weight and I just rarely think about the whole issue. I am a bit baffled as to how this happened. It just sort of did. I like my body better now, after three pregnancies and at age 38, than I ever did when I was 21, when, in hindsight, it probably looked pretty darn great.
I still have a lot of trouble eating in front of my mother, though. And I feel uncomfortable discussing food and weight with my daughter, because I am so scared I'll say the wrong thing and give her the same kind of problems I have struggled with.
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20 comments:
I benefitted from learning about nutrition at school and through my parents. Though my mom was a constant dieter herself, she provided good food AND treats and tried not to freak out when we didn't eat 'right' all the time. In the long run, I figured out for myself that I feel better when I eat nutritious food. If your daughter continues to be athletic, she'll probably figure that out for herself, and/or won't have weight problems because she's so active.
Body image problems are another thing entirely. It's hard to fight the culture that says girls have to be pretty but not 'too' sexy, that men decide which girls are desirable and which ones aren't, and that girls are in competition with one another for male attention. But I'm sure you will figure out ways to make her feel good about her accomplishments and not her looks, and that her self-esteem doesn't come from how she measures up in any body contests.
The not wanting to eat in front of your mom thing may indicate you still have some residual issues there that need exploring...good luck!
Personally, I think you look great!
Wow, I really wish you knew what made the change, a few details are different but I have the same overall story. Except for the part about the food issues stopping. I wish i could get over it because it would make life more enjoyable. I'm terrified about doing the same thing to my daughter also.
Did you end up enrolling in belly dancing classes? They're great for boosting body confidence.
I've always been a big girl. (I'm 6ft and a size 18) While I've had my share of silly 300 calorie per day diets, thankfully I've never suffered from a full-blown eating disorder.
However, I *hated* what pregnancy (huge gain)did to my body. I know its an affirming process for many women, who learn to love their bodies for the strength and beauty of creating life. Let me just say that it was damn difficult to feel good about myself when I was 300+lb, 9 months pregnant woman who constantly was looking for a place to vomit!
I am a small person. I am 5'3" on a good day (which is an inch taller than my mother and 3-4 inches taller than my grandmother!).
I loved being pregnant (except for the feeling nauseated part. Hated that part). But I loved what it did to my body. Loved being able to relax about gaining weight. Loved my big belly. I felt beautiful, even 50 lbs bigger (I gained exactly 50 lbs each time).
I lost all the weight after baby #1. No problem. It just fell off gradually by the time he was about 18 months old.
I lost 90% of the weight after baby #2, but I got pregnant again when she was only 17 months old, so I didn't lose all of it.
After baby # 3, I was struggling with a terrible back injury from the epidural, plus he was critically ill and in the NICU and then hospitalized again for 3 weeks when he was 13 months old. And when he was about 3, my marriage started going south and I was really, really, really depressed and never lost all the weight. It felt like an out of body experience being that big. I have never before or since weighed that much.
I lost all the weight gradually over the past three years and now weigh a little mor ethan I did in college, but not much. I think the main thing in getting back to my normal body size was riding horses again (which I have totally slacked on in the past six months even though it's my greatest joy), jumping on the trampoline, and walking a lot. Plus I satay really busy at work and don't eat much.
I was a very agile, athletic kid - always climbing trees and riding ponies -- so it just feels much more like "me" to be able to run and jump and not have my back hurt. The back problems after E was born in 1998 became quite debilitating for a while. Interestingly, my back stopped hurting the day my ex-husband moved out and it's never hurt a day since.
I'm sorry to hear about your struggle. Eating disorders, bulimia in particular, were rampant at my university, especially in the sororities. Honest to God...I could not make this up...there used to be a line after dinner leading to every ladies' room in the chapter house. It was quite a social setting, girls chatting and giggling, gossiping...waiting to go "rid themselves" of the dinners that they just consumed. It was quite the chic thing to do, actually.
If you had to actually go to the bathroom after dinner? Forget it. You had to go to the fraternity next door.
There were two years, 1990-1992 or so, where I basically lived on Diet Coke, Slim Fast shakes (remember the pineapple flavor? damn, I miss that.) and two packs of Marlboro Reds every day.
Despite the mean things that I said about you, and despite our differences, I applaud your triumph over your disorder and came to a place where you can love your body for what it is. You do look great. I for one am so over women beating up themselves and others about something as insignificant as weight.
When my doctor prescribed lithium for my bipolar disorder, all I could do was cry...I was already struggling with my weight, as all of the women in my family do. What would lithium do to me?
Well, I did gain weight. Not a ton, but enough. You know what? Lithium also got me to such a healthy place, I am happy and successful. Sure, I would like to be thinner. Would I give up lithium and take up smoking again to achieve that goal? No. I'd rather be heavier and happy than skinny and absolutely miserable.
I applaud your strength to overcome bulimia. I know it must be a struggle--considering your experience with an eating disorder coupled with the incredibly perverse messages about body image that target young girls-to know how to approach this subject with your daughter.
As the mother of a son, i feel it is just as important to bring up "women's topics." The problem for feminist mothers is that our voices get out-shouted by MTV, fashion magazines and teen pop idols who offer something closer to kiddie porn than true musicianship.
I read many articles that stress ways to discuss such topics with daughters. However, I don't think any meaningful change is going to occur until mothers of SONS teach their boys about what really constitutes female beauty.
becky
PS Willie has a celeb crush on Raven Simone, and she has a normal body. See, it is already working!
Oh, I have always been very active (I'm the kick your ass, Amazon kind of big..lol) so not feeling like myself physically was the *worst* part of pregnancy. I felt so weak and suddenly vulnerable, which was really hard to reconcile, because I so wanted that Earth Mama glowing thing.
I lost the 100 or so pounds I gained during pregnancy by the time my son was one, but it took about a year to feel strong and physically confident again after his birth.
I thought it was something you would just outgrow, and it looks like you did outgrow it when more interesting things came along. I've never known you to be a selfish or self-absorbed person, but you had some issues to work out about that, and it sounds like you did. Not a very dramatic story, but a happy one. Maybe having other people to focus on (kids/husband) helped?
When I say "that" I mean the eating thing, not being self-interested.
My mother was bulimic.
This discussion is very emotionally complicated for me, especially what you said about how you were not comfortable eating in front of your mom at one point in your life.
The issues my mom created for me growing up were intense to say the least. We did not know something was wrong with her (it was diagnosed when she was in her 50's and I was already a grown up) but we always thought she had a very sensitive stomach and allergies that made her throw up after all our meals.
She made my older sister and me insanely unhappy and crazy with food issues (I was an overeater). It took me having my own child to heal all food issues. I still sometimes fall into poor coping skills in certain areas of my life and use food as a means of feeling better. As an adult, I never diet! The word is not used in my house.
I worked very hard to make sure I have a healthy daughter, I think breastfeeding her did a world of wonders for my emotional well-being since it taught me lessons my mother was incapable of passing along to me as a child. From allowing my daughter to nurse on cue (demand), I learned about the human body's innate ability to self-regulate food.
From my daughter's pediatrician, I got help from the earliest days when she started solids. I was taught about babies and toddlers self-regulating what they need to eat until they are around three years old, during those first years of eating parents need to back off the kids and let them enjoy their own choices and amounts of food it then sets them up for healthy eating for life.
For her entire childhood, I never had rules about the type of food she could eat. My husband and I both enjoy cooking every meal from scratch so we always had fresh homemade food (we still do) and she ate whatever she wanted when she wanted it.
As a kid, she would go a week only eating broccoli at every meal then not eat a vegetable for a month, then eat only cheese chunks with apples for days on end at every meal etc... She grew into the most balanced healthiest eater I know! She is the only teen girl in her group who is comfortable eating exactly what she wants and with all the boys. Her girlfriends marvel at her ability to eat with the boys and enjoy food and have no issues. She is naturally trim without a sweet tooth or junk food cravings.
I agree, Dewi. Breastfeeding really helped me learn to love my body and get comfortable with it. And I also completely agree that the "on-cue" nature of successful breastfeeding sets babies and toddlers up for healthy eating.
We have a very loose eating policy in our house. People eat until they are full and are never required to "clean the plate." I never insist on meal-before-dessert if someone is really craving something sweet and as a result, I am pretty sure my kids won't be the sugar-a-holic I was wehn I left for college. There is no mystery or sense of the forbidden to them with sweets.
Having said that, I keep mostly really healthy food in the house. I buy almost no junk food to keep at home. My kids do have one weird food hang-up though; they all 3 hate cheese. This is just out of left field since their father and I both adore cheese and eat it all the time.
Kate,
This type of food and eating related issues can only exist among the bourgeois in countries like ours, and that really embarrasses me mostly since I used to have so many food issues and emotions all intertwined.
The funny thing is my mother never really understood what she was doing. She always felt horrible about having the sensation of food in her stomach and we all knew she needed to vomit to make her self feel better. SO, so sick! I adore my mom, she was a great mom in many other areas, I truly beleive she did the best she could with the knowledge and legacy she had to deal with from her own family.
My daughter hates all forms of chocolate and doesn't like ice cream. I don't even know if she ever tasted chocolate, she's hated the smell since she was a toddler.
Crazy misdirected kid she is ;-)
What is this thing about not eating in front of boys? I never heard of that before.
Boy we really do live in a weird culture...
actually my personal experience, and honest essays I have written on this subject bring up the point that it is other women and not men who put the pressure on to be skinny. only once did a guy ever say something to me and I strongly suspect it was because he wanted to break up with me for other reasons but the weight was easier to say. all the other nasty hateful catty comments came from other women. and they started in elementary school. and I was hardly obese, just not skinny. I have always said the people who are obsessed with their weight usually are not overweight or at least not by much. and the people who truly are medically obese and need to lose it for health reasons seem oblivious to that fact.
ooops I meant essays I have read not written. i dont write essays
I had poor body image as a teenager. I went through the whole vomitting thing and occasional use of laxatives. I am happier now after 3 kids than I ever was growing up but my body was lovely when I look back. I just wasnt super skinny like my best friends.
I have daughters and sons and we have a very relaxed attitude to food. The dont eat many sweets. They are allowed treats as long as they eat their dinner and have eaten a few pieces of fruit throughout the day. I never have fizzy drinks in the house, They have always just had juice, water or milk. They love to snack on cereal too.
My son is rake thin, my eldest daugher is somewhat chubbier but perfectly normal. She comments already that shes bigger than her brother but laughs about it and wobbles her little belly, comparing it to mine to see whos is biggest that day. I tell her shes perfect and that I adore her belly becasue its like a soft pillow for me to rest my head on when we watch tv. I think the key is not to make them feel embarassed or ashamed of the bodies. When I ask her who's the most beautiful girl in the world she doesnt hesitate to say herself and me of course!
My mum never told me that I was beautiful and she never sat down with us and ate the same meal as she was always trying to diet.
I wont ban the kids from having chocolate and junk food. We just limit it.
I also must point out that most people dont think twice to comment on my sons skinny body. I asked him if it bother him and he said he couldnt care less, I believe him, he's very laid back but its no different really is it? He shouldnt have to put up with being called a rake etc..(just like I did earlier in this post!)Boys deserve the same sensitivity as girls.
actually boys are catching up to girls in the eating disorder department.
actually boys are catching up to girls in the eating disorder department.
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