parenting a teenager

I am the mother of an incredibly bright, loving, funny, sweet, kind and may I just say, handsome teenage boy.

He's a high school freshman.

And he's one of the most complicated people I know. He always has been.

I have always tried to parent with a lot of respect for my children as real people, while still giving enough guidance and leadership. I want to be empathetic and always, always, their biggest fans. But I never want to be that parent who is more of a pal than an adult. It's a hard balance and sometimes I don't get it right.

Recently, I found myself slipping into a very punitive, authoritarian approach with my son. It felt really false and wrong, and it wasn't getting much in the way of results I wanted, either. We were yelling more than talking.

I realized that this kind of parenting - this very bossy, directive, punitive approach - was really more about me feeling unable to control this almost-adult person. It was about my own fear of letting go, even as he makes the inevitable mistakes he is going to make.

As a parent, it really is hard to find the middle way sometimes. I want to stay focused more on the end goal - turning out a Good Man, who is honest and productive and emotionally healthy - than on the day to day issues and worries that crop up.

But it really is scary to let go. And yes, he is going to make some mistakes.