i miss my kids

My children have gone to Florida for five days to enjoy the beach with their father and their stepmother's family. I am happy for them to go, and my two eldest were looking forward to it. All of my children love the beach. But E., my littlest, did not really want to go. He was afraid he would be homesick staying with people he doesn't yet know well (stepmother's family) and had just basically decided he would rather stay home with mama this time. But plans had already been made and his father was, of course, very much looking forward to taking him on the trip, so I told him he had to go.

The moment of me leaving him yesterday was very difficult. E. was a very, very unhappy child. This made me a very, very sad mama. I felt really sad and blue all day long yesterday after leaving him, and I didn't sleep well last night. Of course he will be fine, and will probably end up having a great time. And of course he needs plenty of time with his father, just as he does with his mother.

But none of that made it easier to leave a sobbing child yesterday. He was clutching his favorite purple blanket and just howling. Big, salty tears were rolling down his cheeks. This was some serious sad.

I drove away from his father's house, but had to stop after my car was out of sight to pull myself together. For the first time in a long time, I had a good, long cry about how hard it is to be away from my children a lot of the time because their father and I are divorced. In some ways, it never gets easier for me. As I've said before, I often feel as if I am missing out on a huge chunk of their childhoods. But of course, there is no better solution, given that their father and I are divorced. You do the best you can.

I hope the kids call me today and tell me that E. has cheered right up and is happily playing in the sand with his father.