Jon and I plan to have a baby. People ask us whether we want a baby pretty often, which I guess is a normal thing to wonder about two people who just got married and who both like children a lot.
Anyway, when people ask me about it, and I say yes, very often they respond with some variation of "Good Lord! You're so old! What will you do if you can't have a baby?" The other day I had someone ask if we planned to adopt (no).
I will turn 39 this month and until people started telling me how much trouble I am likely to have getting and staying pregnant, it never occurred to me to really worry about it much.
But now I guess I worry. A little. Which is funny for someone who has mostly had to worry about staying UNpregnant.
Other people offer commentary on how hard it will be to:
A.)Have 4 children (I already have 3)
B.)Raise an emotionally healthy child when his/her siblings will be so significantly older
C.)Work full time and mother a baby (this one absolutely does sound challenging)
One of my siblings, whom I love very much and who shall remain nameless, has opined in the past that NO ONE should have a baby after age 35.
Lots of opinions ....
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53 comments:
Katie, 39 is old to have your first baby, but far less significant for subsequent children. As for big age differences, let the kids have therapy if they need it. We all need a little drama. Working full time is the only part that looks daunting to me, but babies have a way if choosing their moms, and the family situation, at least that is my philosophy, so he she will fit into your life, or it can be a life lesson... , Paula
Hey grandma (HA!), this may be a geographically specific concern. In the DC area, your age would be close to the norm, even for first-time parents. Also common would be the concerns about working and having a wee little one; few of us have the luxury of choosing, and some of us really like our jobs.
I'm sure you don't need me to point out that if you didn't already have kids, the comments would be about how your poor child-to-be would grow up without siblings.
I had three children when Doug and I married. We got pregnant with our daughter immediately and without any deliberate attempts to do so. A little over a year ago, I turned 39 and two weeks later we had our son. The age differences in all of our children are a good thing, not a bad thing. Every family is different and finds their own way to balance work and home. Trust your hearts.
you'll hear lots of stories about women in their late 30's and even early 40's conceiving easily, but the hard truth is that statistically speaking, women's fertility drops dramatically during those years, especially after 40. if giving birth to a child genetically related to both of you (i.e. no donor egg) is important to you, i would suggest seeking help if you are not one of those lucky folks who get pregnant quickly -- after six months of trying, max.
why are you not open to adoption? just curious.
mamamarta
aren't there enough people on the planet? why don't you adopt a child that needs a home instead of stroking your ego?
After trying for many years, a friend of mine first got pregnant when she was 35+. Then she had three more babies right in a row (with no fertility treatment). Everyone is different.
I feel your pain. I am 37 and a HALF and just now getting divorced. I have four gorgeous children who are getting older every day. I don't even have a boyfriend on the horizon. And yet I have hopes of meeting a wonderful man who loves me AND my kids and of course they need to love him. And then after we've fallen in love and decided to marry, THEN I want more children. Obviously I'm a freak.
You, on the other hand, have it so much more going on in that department. Blessings on any babies coming your and Jon's way. :)
blessings~
traci
I'm with Kelly O, if you weren't in East Tennessee people wouldn't even deem it worth mentioning to have a baby at 39. You found love and wish to create a life from it. Congrats. I will say, if you find it difficult or not possible to conceive, please consider adopting. Giving a great life to a child is a gift, even if you didn't birth the child!
Over 'n out.
-C.
I don't think you'll have any problem getting pregnant, but will feel it more on the other end! I had my last (third) child at age 36, and breastfed for a year while working pretty close to fulltime. My older children were 9 and 5---yes there is a difference in how that last child will be treated and raised, but my third is the sweetest one I've got!
Why the hell do people think they're entitled to load you down with their opinions where the matter of children is concerned? This is one of the reasons I'm glad not to be married, because no way could I manage a polite way to tell people that it's none of their f'ing business.
You and Jon will be JUST FINE, so don't worry about getting pregnant, raising children with age gaps, or explaining biological children as opposed to adopted ones.
IT'S NO ONE ELSE'S BUSINESS!
(I apparently need a nap too.) :)
I say fuck 'em. Everyone always seems to have an opinion on how to live your life. And perhaps more so with regards kids. Often times masked under the ruse of concern. You know what you want and will figure out the rest as stuff happens.
Didn't people use to tell you you were too young for kids? Sheesh.
I just had my last at 41 and could easily bear and raise a couple more. Working f/t with a little one is hard, but it's not like it's imnpossible.
Have fun.
I say: to hell with the haters and naysayers. You and Jon are fine, responsible people, and your kids are great. Your baby will be lucky to be surrounded by so much love. I realize that in our region (East TN)EARLY pregnancy is such the norm that people might have a cultural bias towards older mothers. Hmmm...as am almost native East Tennesseean, I can say with authority that this is not the...ahem.. most progressive place on the planet. The kind of person who is aghast at the idea of an "older" mother might have some seriously sexist baggage. A woman past 30 who is actually sexual? Perish the thought!
becky
Katie, you may or may not get pregnant. But your other posters are right: It's nobody's place to tell you what you should do.
I have a 23-year-old daughter from my first marriage, born when I was 23, and two sons, almost 12 and 5, from my currect marriage, born when I was 35 and 42, respectively. (Just sneaked that last one in under the wire; at 47 now, I'm perimenopausal.) The age differences have been no problem, and I don't give a damn what other people think about when I had my babies.
Let me ease your fears a little...At 37 I got remarried to a guy that had never been married and was almost 6 yrs younger.I had all the usual fears(I will look like his mother,I won't be able to keep up with him etc.etc.)On our 1 yr anniversary we were delighted to find that we were expecting.At that time I had a 14 yr old child.My new husband had absolutely no clue how much easier this made our lives.(My oldest was always there to help out and babysit if we wanted to run out for a quick bite to eat)I will admit that it was a little daunting to be one of the oldest parents at kindergarten and I kind of felt like I had nothing in common with the majority of parents,but the self-confidence and experience I had gained by that point far outweighed any insecurity. I would silently chuckle to myself at how utterly ridiculous and anal the younger mothers could be over the most insignificant things.It was quite entertaining! As time goes by and if by chance you happen to think that you look old enough to be your childs grandma then find yourself a good plastic surgeon.I did and am extremely happy about it. My voice of experience says GO FOR IT!Life is not a dress rehearsal...
Since I'm a single dad of 6 kids, you know what I'm going to say:
Go for it!
Besides, you're the youngest 39 year old I know, and a great mother.
Ah, everybody has to mind your business.
For what it's worth, I'd say you shouldn't have children *before* you're 35, but that's just reflecting my bias - I had no desire whatsoever to have children until I was past 40.
My first was born when I was 42, my 2nd at 48. I can't really think of anything I would have changed.
Clisby
I wouldn't worry too much about the age difference between siblings thing. My significant other and his older brother were teenagers when their two younger siblings were born, there's 16 years' difference between the eldest and the youngest. I don't think any one of them would have had it any other way - there have been so many special joys shared within the family that would not have been had all four been close in age. The older ones adore their younger siblings, and the younger two are crazy about their big brothers.
Of course, you guys could always do like they did and have TWO... :) (JAH, don't hit me...!)
If you don't feel too old to have a child, then you aren't too old to have a child. However, in the event that conception is a problem for you, I would ask you to please reconsider your stance on adoption. With your capacity for love, it would be a shame not to offer that love to a child who deperately needs it.
BTW: there's 9 years between me & my brother and we are the best of friends.
One should kids at whatever age one wishes. Certainly this is a personal choice. However, it would be foolish to ignore the statistics. For instance, children born to a mother aged 21-25 have a 1 in 1,500 chance of being born with some level of mental retardation. Children born to a mother aged 31-35 have a one in 750 chance. Children born to a mother aged 36-44 have a one in 37 chance of being born with mental retardation. Similar age-based statistical correlations exist for other birth defects. These are considerations that make the age at which one chooses to reproduce more than simply a lifestyle choice.
I have to echo the possibility that some of the comments are based on regional norms. I'm 34 and none of my original social circle here in Boston has kids. I know several women who became mothers in their late 30s-mid 40s.
The least of your worries, IMO, is how this future babe will get along with his or her older siblings. Two words: spoiled rotten. I'm 12 years older than my youngest sister and she and I are the closest of the 5 kids my mom had. I loved driving her and my younger brother around, having them over to spend the night at my first apartment, etc. My role in our relationship was closer to being a "cool aunt", since we were never in competition for anything.
Now go get busy! ;)
Katie, first of all THANK YOU FOR TURNING OFF THAT PICTURE THING THAT DID NOT WORK!
Now, Why do people think it is any of their business how, when, why you and Jon will have more children? 40 year old women are not the same as they were 20 years ago. We are active, busy, physically fit, and we are the new 30! If you acted like an old woman I would wonder, but you are young at heart and soul! GO FOR IT!
GO FOR IT!
Nowadays being 39 is DEFINITELY not too old to have your 1st child; so having a 4th is only rare because it's a 4th, people tend to have so few kids nowadays...
I'd say the only negative aspects you might be facing are prenatal health concerns due to being over 35 and working fulltime.
On the other hand, I know several people younger than 35 who had kids with special needs; also, having much older children will be a bonus, not an hindrance: they'll babysit naturally, they'll take the pressure off being a parent (man, you are experienced!), they'll be great rolemodels. Also, you can always have a 5th just after having the 4th...
The best of luck!
marta from lisbon
I think that's a bit extreme, to say women 36-44 have a 1:37 chance of having a baby with mental retardation. Where did you get that stat? For one thing, 36 is very different from 44. For another, take one disorder, Down Syndrome, and a 45 year old women still has a 97% chance of not having a baby with that condition. At 40, the risk is 1:100.
Katie,
I have one sibling, a sister. She is 12 years older than me and we get along just fine.
or you could be satisfied with what you have. of course when you marry someone closer in age to your oldest child than to yourself, of course he is expecting children.
hopefully if you are unable to concieve he will not regret that he didnt marry someone his own age
Methinks I hear some sour grapes from someone who doesn't have a very satisfying love life herself and is nastily jealous of Katie's marriage.
You go Katie and Jon. Seeing you guys together makes it very clear that the age difference is a nonissue. You are both young grownups, in love with each other and excited about expanding your already wonderful family.
Ignore the haters. They just wish they had (and maybe hadn't thrown away) what you have.
I agreee with the others. The age thing is regional. Forget the naysayers you're young by today's standards!
You and Jon should start practicing immediately at least once a day or more trying to have a baby. ;-)>
Last year I had a 54 yr old client who had her first child and her DH was in his 30's. She was more fit then most thirty year olds. She was old, smart and financially sound enough to be able to hire people to help around the house and with the child!
G-d willing you do get pregnant, but it is no big deal for you to have a fourth child at 40.
"of course when you marry someone closer in age to your oldest child than to yourself, of course he is expecting children."
Oh, you're right. I am closer in age to H by 202 days. Wow. I didn't know that.
I'm really not sure why that matters or how that's relevant here, though. In fact, I know it doesn't matter, and it sure as hell has nothing to do with this topic.
But I guess your only point was being mean. I really don't understand that. You'll cut your life short being so negative all of the time.
And I'm pretty sure it's a cosmic no-no be mean to a newlywed. But what do I know?
There are risks, but everything is a risk! Go for it. If you want another baby, have one.
Yes, the 'nay-sayer' was being 'mean' but on the other hand, when you put your personal life out there on a blog, you know you're going to get some mean comments.
Most of my friends had their children in their 30s, and I was planning to also. I even bought a book in my 20s, "Pregnancy After 35," when putting it off that long was still unheard of. My first marriage ended without children when I was just 32. My second marriage was at age 37, and our child was born when I was 40.
Throughout the pregnancy, we had to listen to the well-meaning ignorant inform us to be prepared for birth defects. My doctor scoffed at that and assured me that 97 percent of all mothers of all ages have healthy babies with no birth defects. The 3 percent of "abnormal" babies includes birthmarks, twins, and other birth defects in babies born to mothers of all ages, including the small number of Down's syndrome babies born to mothers around age 40.
I smugly passed this information along to the naysayers, and was pleased to further prove them wrong when our baby turned out to be not only healthy but unusually pretty and smart. We now have been hearing for 13 years how handsome, talented, intelligent, and thoughtful he is.
My doctor also noted that, while parents in their 20s have more energy, parents in their 40s have often gained more wisdom and patience to impart to their children and can spend more time with them since they are often better established in their careers and can take time off. For us, this has turned out to be true.
People now forget our ages and are more likely to ask us why we don't have more children. We wanted more children, and my doctor supported that, but with eight years of fertility testing and treatments at ages 38-45, and seven other pregnancies that ended early, it seems our one full-term baby was a miracle.
I think it's wonderful that some of you had babies on into your 40s! We couldn't afford adoption or more advanced fertility treatments, so we have accepted that our family is complete with one child, his busy activities, and a houseful of pets. And we have met a number of families with one late-in-life child or one second-marriage child. It's not an uncommmon thing.
Ironically, our last two losses, the babies I carried the longest and for whom we had names and plans, were the year that five of our siblings and cousins had babies. At family gatherings, I remember the children we too might have had that year, imagining them among the five other 8-year-olds.
"Yes, the 'nay-sayer' was being 'mean' but on the other hand, when you put your personal life out there on a blog, you know you're going to get some mean comments."
Yeah, I know. It just amazes me, though, that some people want to hide behind the anonymity of the internet to be mean, or at least try to, about other people. It's not the fact that they're mean to us that bothers me as much as just that there are so many ill-spirited people in the world.
Wow, that was a poorly written paragraph.
Anyway, in this case, I think I know the person who wrote that, and she has lots of problems of her own to work through.
Well,it sure does sound like "anonymous" has been scorned.I think that this person must have been waiting for the opportunity to pounce on you.I don't know the background info but maybe it might be a good idea for this person to focus their energy on getting over whatever upset them by doing some volunteer work. (taking a break from the computer?) In other words,stop focusing on the negative and put some energy into something positive that will help you get to the place in your life where you need to be.Stop obsessing over something that you can't change and move on-you'll be happier for it...and so will your targets. JCB
Why do people think they can demand an explanation for your reproductive plans? If you and Jon want a fourth child and are emotionally and financially prepared to take care of him/her, do what you want. (Is there a nice way to tell someone "It's none of your damn business"? Maybe Judith Martin knows...)
take a break from the computer? geez...I probably spend an hour a day max on the computer. and very little of it is on this website. unlike some others I do not feel it is wise to post anything personal about myself on the internet unless it is someone I have an established relationship with.
I just find it more than a little creepy when people with teenagers marry someone closer to the generation of their teen children than themselves. it almost seems incestuous. I mean what if some female contemporary of Jons were to get involved with her son in a few years. I mean will Henry be giving Jon hot sex tips for what to do to his mother? I mean BEYOND creepy.
as for the 54 year old mother...that is just WRONG. as someone who was the child of older parents, one of whom died when I was a child, I have to say for a 54 year old woman to go thru whatever unnatural procedure she had to to get pregnant and quite probably then die before her child is out of high school is WRONG. 39 is one thing but 54? I am sorry....I dont care if it took her that long to find "Mr Right"...she should be satisfied with what she has and perhaps be a foster parent if she wants to contriubute meaninfully to a childs life.
and yes, if I dont mind saying I find the whole blog thing itself sort of creepy. OK, there are people who have blogs that are simply oriented to some hobby of theirs and that is a good way to connect with others who like to do what you do in your free time. but the idea of posting intimate details of ones life (not to mention exploiting ones kids for blog material) for any and every stranger to read is beyond creepy. it bespeaks a lack of boundaries...a SEVERE lack of boundaries in my opinion. heck, Kathie Lee Gifford has NOTHING on Katie Granju in the exploit your kids for publicity and sympathy category.
everyones all worked up about Cindy Crawfords kids pictures but do people who just post pictures of their kids daily lives realize that they are contributing to the internet simply being a big shopping mall for pedophiles? stupid stupid stupid.
what do you mean telling people to "mind their own business" about Katies reproductive parts? SHE doesnt mind her own business about peoples breasts.
I wonder, if Jane is on anti seizure meds will Katie guilt her into thinking that she "has" to breastfeed Katies grandchildren even if they get a humonga dose of some pretty powerful medication?
I would find it MOST amusing to see Katies daughter about town with a bottlefed baby, after Jane has been exploited to advertise Katies breastfeeding "lactivism".
(speaking of creepy clothes on little girls does anyone besides me find it creepy to have shirts for little girls advertising how they were fed as infants? especially since the stuff is in sizes designed for kids too small to say yeah mom I want the world to know I was breastfed? if Jane wanted the shirt it was probably because it was a cute color not because of the words)
My mom gave birth to my sister at age 39, and sis and I are nine years apart. Wouldn't trade her for anything. My mom and her sis are almost 20 years apart, and are very close. I wouldn't worry about age difference, and if you think it is the right thing to have another baby at this time in your life, then you should. Only you know what is right decision for you and your family. Good luck!
No,what is BEYOND creepy is the demented thought process that produced the off-base comment about H giving tips to J. I mean really,talk about boundaries.sheesh!
well it does cross ones mind when someone marries someone closer to the age of their kids than to them. I am not the only one that feels this way. I know people whose parents have married people closer to their age than the parents and it creeped them out to think that it was totally in the realm of possibility that they and their parent could be involved with two contemporaries who hung out together. the possibility of having their spouse and the parents spouse talking the way friends usually do about their partners, given that the partners were parent and child, totally creeped out the one person in particular I am thinking of.
Most people I know don't discuss what they do sexually with their husbands or wives.I think that ,that is usually what goes on in the lockerroom at school between teenagers,not mature-minded,married adults.I seriously doubt that this would ever be an issue.Besides,it stands to reason that a man (like Jon)that takes his relationship with an older woman (with 3 kids)seriously enough to marry her more than likely has a solid sense of maturity.I think that the presumption is a little silly and over-dramatic.
oh come on. you obviously have not been around a bunch of guys. I personally am not a big fan of people blabbing about what they do sexually with their same sex peers but I know a lot of people do it. more probably do than dont.
and plenty of people get married to older people with kids without at all thinking it through. it doesnt mean Jon is "mature".
if my own son wanted to marry an older woman, I would be concerned. I would wonder if it was about some pathology thing..some mother figure thing. if it really was that he had fallen for an older woman that looked young and he liked her before he knew how old she was I would make sure he THOROUGHLY had thought through the implications, specifically that he might not be having any biological children of his own. some people are comfortable with that and just having kids, any kids, in their life is fine with them. some people it just isnt the same unless its their own flesh and blood. and if having your own flesh and blood is important to you you dont marry someone way older than yourself who is on the verge of hitting the infertile years. that may sound terribly mercenary but people do not think about some of these things. all they think of is that this person is hot and they cant let them get away. then when the issue rears its head they freak out. and do all sorts of unnatural things to their bodies to make sure that a little copy of them is inhabiting the earth. i married my husband knowing one or both of us might have fertility problems BUT I didnt get this whole "gotta have a baby thing" AT ALL. and I realized that there are a lot of kids out there that truly need help. I didnt really care one way or another. I figured theres lots of ways to contribute to a childs life even if you cant breed. now it did work out that I had not one but two awesome kids. I am glad I was able to have kids because I am glad I have those particular two in my life. they are truly cool people. I did not enjoy having little babies. I did not enjoy having toddlers. but now that they are older, I love them to pieces.
which is more than I can say for a lot of the big family attachment brigade. despite the lip service about how much they loooooove children I get the idea that a lot of these nincompoops simply fancy themselves with babies and they have never felt so important in their lives as when their tits were being sucked and once the kid grows up they gotta keep the whole thing going and so they pop out another one. I see relatively few of these baby addicts volunteering with disadvantaged kids or really trying to make a difference in the lives of any kids but their own.
and in Katies particular case I get the idea that her kids are just some big extension of her whole head game. she uses them shamelessly to push her agenda. can anyone say "kathie lee"???
there is actually a psychological diagnosis called "hoarding". usually it applies to people who cant say no to just one more animal. but I think a lot of people are afraid to say it but I think it can apply to people who keep on having/adopting/fostering kids when they more than have their hands full already.
Wow, Anonymous (if that is in fact your real name), it's surprising you're not into blogging. You sure seem to have a lot to share for somebody who thinks it's "creepy" to put personal information out on the Internet.
you will notice that what I write is very very little about my personal life. and i would NEVER post my picture much less that of my children on the internet. at least not the publically accessed part of it.
and no, no one is really named "anonymous'. however I am not about to put my name up on the internet. why, so weirdos can look me up in the phone book? no thank you. maybe I am paranoid about my privacy but it is truly frightening how easy it is to find people from the clues they drop on the internet. thanks but no thanks.
Please excuse this but I had to respond:Actually,if the truth be known,I have lots of experience being around guys but I guess the difference is that I choose to surround myself with quality people-not quantity .In defense of Katie,she seems to be a very youthful, good soul with a healthy attitude.She is happy and wants to share her happiness with the world.That's how people whom are genuinely in love act.What's wrong with sharing her happiness?I don't know about you but seeing others happy makes ME happy. I don't know Katie or Jon personally but I am impressed with their quality of charachter.As far as Jon is concerned,age is just a number- emotional intelligence is what is important. I am sure that there is a physical attraction between them but I give them credit for being intelligent enough not to have based their choice of life-partners on "not wanting to let them get away because they are hot." How could you possibly think that any guy with half a brain would jump into a blended-family marriage without considering the possibilities that may lie ahead?. Moving forward, You know ,some people have a much stronger maternal instinct than others and that is just the way it is.Apparently your maternal instinct is not as strong as Katie's seems to be and that's just fine,but to judge someone just because their life-agenda differs from yours is so not a good thing.Katie and Jon are happy that they have found happiness and might want to celebrate their love and devotion by having a child (which is what humans do.)It is perfectly normal! By the way,when I am volunteering in my community I meet lots of people but I don't truly know what their beliefs are other than what I see before me(people with the luxury of TIME to give back.)How do you happen to know what the personal beliefs of strangers are? Katie just seems to be another soul walking the earth that has strong beliefs,a strong maternal instint,and happens to want her small voice heard in a big way.I think that she is an admirable person with a reasonable disposition-a high quality woman that loves motherhood...
Hey troll - what exactly do you fear by putting your picture or your name on the internet? What are you so afraid of?
I don't understand this weird pre-internet mentality - if you have your picture on the internet, are you afraid someone's somehow going to steal your soul?
dont you read the papers Jon? have you not heard of identity theft? have you not heard of pedophiles? have you not heard of kidnapping? for that matter have you not heard of people being stalked by someone they piss off online? it happens. just yesterday I heard about a woman whose baby was snatched out of her body in Missouri by some woman with serious mental problems. this is not specifically internet related but the woman picked her "target" because she has a big sign announcing a new baby girl in her yard. It is also a known fact (again not internet related but privacy related) that thieves read the papers for obituaries and weddings to find out hot spots to break into. I would not put birth announcements in the paper for my kids and we did not have a wedding announcement. sorry, to me that is prudent. strangers dont need to know my business and anyone who it is important to knows already. as far as the internet goes, that is just taking it up a whole bunch of notches. I have talked this over among people I know and they all feel the same way. it is just plain stupid to make the details of your everyday life known to anyone who can google you on the web. do you not read magazines where they talk about women who are found, stalked and murdered on the internet? or are you and Katie just so busy reading liberal hate talk, celebrity gossip and attachment parenting shit that you miss important common sense stuff? just wondering.
stealing my soul...no no one can steal my soul...but I realize the world we live in. and further, on a more personal level I have a sense of boundaries of the kind of people who should be priviledged to know things about me. and its not any stranger who can type my name into a search engine. unlike your wife I am not such a narcissist that I get off on being an internet "celebrity". one of these days her constant need for ego stroking is going to come back and bite her in the butt. I am surprised her lawyer brother has not told her how unbelievably unwise some of the things she has revealed publically in print are.
Hey anon- You can rest easy. I do not reveal everything about myself or my life on my blog. So relax. You seem really, really worked up over this. Try a hot bath with lavender in it or some food with tryptophan. Take a walk. Just chill. It's all going to be a-okay.
-kag
We had our second at 41 (me) and 39 (her).
They will want you to do genetic counseling, as well as taking an amnio, since birth defects are more common with "older" parents.
We were initially told that our baby would have Downs; a latter amnio showed that to be negative.
no Katie but you reveal enough to probably cause you a great deal of trouble. it is truly frightening how little information someone needs to get on the internet to do some of this stuff.
but hey, if you want to be stupid, feel free.
besides aromatherapy and health food store voodoo are bogus.
Birth defects are NOT more common with "older" parents. Everyone still has an even 3 percent chance of having a baby with birth defects and a 97 percent chance of having a baby without birth defects. Within that 3 percent, Downs syndrome is more common in babies born to older parents and less common in babies born to younger parents.
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