Addendum: I didn't write this and I don't know who did. It's been circulating around the Web without attribution. If you are the author, be in touch and I'll credit you.

Dear President Bush,

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from you and understand why you would propose and support a constitutional amendment banning same sex marriage. As you said "in the eyes of God marriage is based between a man a woman." When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her? (I'm pretty sure she's a virgin).

3. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is, my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

4. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2. clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

5. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Aren't there 'degrees' of abomination?

6. Lev.21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

7. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

8. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

9. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)
I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I am confident you can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.


Wendy said...

I LOVED your post! It'd be nice if someone would/could explain the hypocrisies and inconsistencies.

lycradog said...

Well done. Of course, you've sinned in pride and are likely to rot in hell next to the gay, long-haired shrimp-eaters, but still. It was funny.

Kai Jones said...

That's been circulating for around 8 years, and was first written addressed to one of the televangelists, I think.

Kizz said...

It's also either the inspiration for or paraphrased from a Jed Bartlett speech that Aaron Sorkin wrote for the West Wing back in his day.

Maggie's Pa said...

The original version I saw was addressed to Dr. Laura.

Anonymous said...

the problem is that Jesus came to transcend the law. Peters vision of all things being made clean makes this explicitly clear. HOWEVER of these things listed only homosexuality is mentioned again in the new testament. were it not, this argument might have some merit but each time homosexuality is mentioned in the NT it reiterates the OT prohibitions against it. the arguments against homosexuality must either diminish scripture or twist it to say that its not really saying what it appears to be saying. I have seen some extremely bizarre arguments coming from people who would like to maintian the integrity of scripture but dont want to accept that the NT statements against homosexuality are in fact stating that homosexuality, like fornication or adultery is also a sin.