Give Me the Village and Hold the Politics
by Katie Allison Granju
The African proverb, “It takes a village to raise a child” has become a rallying cry for the American far right ever since their perennial favorite object of vilification, Hillary Clinton, used it as the title of her 1996 book about our culture’s treatment of children. Critics of Clinton and her slight tome declared that this talk of villages raising children was all just one more piece of the Orwellian commie-pinko plot to see all childrearing turned over to the state. On the day I first heard this criticism of the book while listening to talk radio, I distinctly remember laughing as I wondered how I could get the government to take my kids for at least the afternoon so I could maybe take a hot bath or go have a beer.
Those of us who are raising children know very well that the idea that parents need support and help in their 24/7 jobs has absolutely nothing to do with politics. Women in every society around the globe depend on what anthropologists call “co-mothers” to help care for their children. This co-mothering comes in culturally specific forms, ranging from Aboriginal older sisters watching younger siblings so their mothers can go out to hunt and gather, all the way along the continuum to the ubiquitous nanny/au pair culture of swanky Manhattanites.
In my own tenure as a parent, co-mothers have been an essential part of family life for both me and my kids. Until we recently moved to a new neighborhood, my next door neighbor ( with whom I originally believed I had so little in common that it was unlikely we would ever even have a real conversation) became my “other mother,” performing mothering tasks I could not, including sewing costumes, french braiding my daughter’s hair for special events, and even convincing my children to swallow nasty-tasting medicine when necessary. On more than one occasion over the years, I would carry a feverish, glassy eyed child next door before bedtime so that Karen could work her magic and unpry the jaws that refused to open for me. After she got the medicine down the toddler gullet, I would whisper a grateful thanks and carry my limp child back home for the overnight shift.
My two-years-younger sister and I have been constant co-mothers since the day I gave birth to my first child eleven years ago. Betsy - dashing away from her final college exams, was in the room, holding my hand while my husband held my other. She missed birth #2 because she was overseas, but made it for birth #3 in 1998. Ten months later, that baby and I were both in the room as Betsy herself became a mother with the arrival of infant Eleanor, and I was there again last year when she had a wonderful waterbirth and became a mother to a son. I have nursed her babies, so close in age to mine, and she has done the same. My children long for their Aunt Betsy when they’ve had enough of me and vice versa.
There are other co-parents in my “village,” as well: my friend Katie C., who has covered field trips and class snacks for me more than once in the past year as I’ve adjusted to being a single, working parent; my daughter’s riding instructor, Susan, who offers my athletic child a focus and perspective she needs that she doesn’t get from me; and even my longtime pediatrician, the wonderful Dr. Glover, who assures my almost-adolescent son that he isn’t going to be a midget (I had already explained his to him over and over, but he needed to hear it from Dr. Glover before he actually believed it).
These individuals, and many others, provide a safety net for me and for my children. I never feel as if I have to do it all myself and in fact, with some years of parenting experience under my belt, I am increasingly aware that I can’t do it all myself. No one person can. Kids need teachers and aunts and neighbors and coaches to weave the supportive web in which they can best thrive.
Call it a village. Call me a commie. I’m just glad that I can call my friend Karen when I need to figure out how to make cookies shaped like inchworms for the preschool spring festival.
Originally published Summer '03 in Metro Pulse
Contact the author at kgranju@yahoo.com
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED - KATIE ALLISON GRANJU 2003-2005
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7 comments:
I love your writing.
Ya know, the reason the right (correctly) villified Satan's Right Hand (The scary Ms. Clinton) was that she was suggesting GOVERNMENT programs to encourage the sort of stuff you are talking about. The far far nutjob loony bin right could cut and paste stuff from your post as proof of the power of the family, and other such madness (they'd probably leave out the "ew gross" part about the water birth, but that's 'cause they probably still believe in the stork).
One thing the Left always misses about the vitriol from the Right is that what (a lot of, not all) of the Right dislikes is the government-as-solution aspect of much of what the Left is talking about. Hilary wants a village - with laws, and government mandates, and Head Start, and higher taxes and socialized medicine. The Right wants Katie to go next door, or to call her sister, or to use Health Savings accounts.
Which of course, naturally begs the Katrina question - what's government's role there? More than nothing, less than $50,000 per resident of Louisiana is my guess. More coordination on the front end, less FEMA can't get out of the way of their own regulations in placing trailers for people to live in temporarily (why is it taking so long? Because some well-intentioned bureaucrat once wrote a rule that said you had to have permits before you could site a trailer. Seemd like a good idea at the time. Not so much today).
Anon
How's that whole "less government interfernce in our lives" thing working out for you conservatives these days?
not so well, thanks for asking. Us small govt types are stuck in no man's land - the nutjob right wants to police my bedroom, and the loony left wants all of my money. Sigh. What does one do when one despises both parties, and everything they stand for, and when one finds the politicians from both parties despicable (Tom DeLay or Hilary Clinton? Can I have a bullet to the head, please?)?
You could become a libertarian. That way, there's always somewhere to point the finger.
Not very productive, though, is it? Libertarianism is an intriguing political philosophy, but not very effective. Once upon a time, the Republicans embraced smaller government as a worthy goal by itself. The the Centrist Democrats (most famously, Mr. Can't keep it in his pants) embraced any number of smaller government initiatives - only a Democrat could have reformed welfare. Now we are left with two sides arguing over how much huger government should be, and which parts get to be hugest. Sigh.
I just came across your blog today. It is great! I really envy you having great people in your life to help you with your children. I live away from family and friends, but I hope to remedy that soon.
Please check out my blog at http://www.stellamaternity.blogspot.com.
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