sadness

Thanks, all, for the kind words and warm wishes.

I tried going to work today but felt rather spacey and very exhausted, so I came home. I have an awesome boss who knows what's going on, so he encouraged me to leave. I do hope to be up and running tomorrow, although I am afraid the full emotional impact of this loss is only starting to hit me now.

Some more of my labwork came back today and it turns out I have a rather nasty e.coli infection that was apparently asymptomatic for me. The midwife said she couldn't believe I wasn't laid out flat with the "raging" infection the labwork turned up. So now I am on antibiotics. I feel like I am falling apart physically, even though I am generally a super healthy person.

This morning I woke up hoping the miscarriage had just been a bad dream. Then I realized it hadn't and it felt like a heavy weight descended on my chest for the day.

Everyone tells me - and they are right - that with the right medical follow-up, I will likely have a healthy baby by next year sometime. There are some clues as to what caused this and that means we can fix the problem. And of course, I already have three amazing children, so I am lucky and blessed, but this loss has still hit me hard. We were so excited about this baby, this time.

And I'd like to add that I have the most thoughtful and dear husband and family on the planet. I really don't deserve all the wonderful people I have in my life. I'm blessed that way, too.