My children's father has been on his honeymon, so I got to have the kids lots extra the past 10 days. Needless to say, I enjoyed this a lot.

But tomorrow they will go back to his house for their regular, every other week 4 nights away. I think having them home so much more is making me feel extra sad about missing them this weekend.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: while divorce is sometimes the best of bad options, it's hell. Being away from my children as much as I am is very difficult, even four years after starting (and yes, I am aware their father misses them when he's not with them, too).

And this month is a bit sad for me anyway, my grandfather is dying. He's at home, receiving hospice care and my whole, large family is pitching in to help run the household and be with my grandmother during this final period. He's 88 and dying at home, surrounded by people he's raised, who love him. It's a good way to go, but I will miss him. And it's hard to see him hurting and worry about my grandmother.

Plus, this month would have been MY COUSIN WARD'S 4th birthday. I remember HOW CUTE HE LOOKED, Halloween before last, dressed as a baby bat. I am in awe of his parents and how well they have dealt with their loss, but I hurt for them and his brothers, and for our whole family as his birthday approaches.


Catherine K. said...

I know you will miss the kids, but you do have the consolation prize of the company of your new husband! And alone time at that!

In addition, my thoughts are with your family at this time. It wasn't that long ago I lost my grandfather. Yes, he was 92 and lived a beautiful life and was loving and well loved and I had a very close and treasured relationship with him, but you are never ready to let go of someone you love that much. I know I wasn't.

Hang in there!

Anonymous said...

You birthed those kids. They are part of your body. No matter how much a man loves his children it is never the same as the way a mother feels for her kids.

Anonymous said...

People used to ask me how I could send my daughter to her dad's for holidays (that were his turn) and I think that what got me through the pain of those questions was the fact that I knew deep in my heart that I was doing what was best for my child.I was being unselfish for her.She needed to maintain a sense of family with his side of the family.Besides,being a single parent was a tough job and getting a little break refreshed my sanity!In the end it made everyone happy for one reason or another.It will take a while to get used to but you'll be an even better Mom when they come home.Try not to think about how you are feeling and focus on the goodness that comes from what you are doing for them.

Anonymous said...

I moved my Mom in with me when she was diagnosed with the big "C" and watched her dwindle away before my eyes.I think that I began to mourn her death from the moment we were told the bad news.It was extremely difficult to maintain a normal life with a husband and a 3rd grade little girl while my Mom was in the other room dying.Although Hospice care is a wonderful concept and they were very helpful, it was very depressing knowing that they were coming and that we would have to face our reality again. Once you hit your 40's it just seems like family near and dear starts to die .The most revolting thing is not losing your loved ones but watching the greedy relatives come out of the woodwork with their hands out! My oh my, do people show what they are made of in times like these.I hope for your sake that you don't have to experience any of this because it was pretty disillusioning for me. Don't worry,your angelic little Wardie is waiting for your grandpa and they will be so excited to be together again.Try not to be so sad.I know it's hard but your grandpa's circle of life is almost complete and his work is done.He will soon rest in eternal peace in the arms of his God.Your grandma will meet up with him soon and they will be happy once again.They won't be dragged down by their old ,aching bodies spending half their lives in doctors offices-they will be free and beautiful and forever happy.

Julie said...

As a kid of divorced parents, I know it made me appreciate that time w/ my Mom that much more when I came home to her. You are a dynamic, nurturing, and loving woman and you make the most of your days and your children will no doubt miss you as well. Have fun w/ your husband. :)

Anonymous said...

I know it must be so hard to be away from your kids for 4 days at a time. Perhaps, an effective coping method could be to pour that energy into your relationship with your husband. View this "alone time" as a gift to the 2 of you, and let it make your bond that much stronger.

karrie said...

Your cousin was beautiful. I have a wild-haired, blue eyed son and it hits me in the gut every time you share Ward's pictures. I cannot imagine the pain your family must feel.