parenting

I'm reading an advance copy of my friend Adrienne Martini's forthcoming memoir, "Hillbilly Gothic." It's to be published next summer by The Free Press and it's just amazingly good. The core of the story is her bout with postpartum depression and as I read about how inept and clumsy and unworthy she felt as the mother of a newborn baby, I'm struck by how much I feel like that sometimes now, parenting my 7,10 and 14 year old children.

Parenting babies came very easily to me. I immediately felt comfortable with them and never suffered any baby blues or feelings of inadequacy like so many new mothers. In fact, I would describe the waay I felt during the early months of my children's lives as euphoric. I felt pretty great.

But nowadays, I more often feel like I am screwing up. My parenting anxiety is at an all time high. I have no evidence that I am screwing up -- they all seem to be doing fine -- but I have tremendous feelings of guilt about the fact that I wasn't able to stay married to their father and thus, they have to shuffle between two households. I find myself second guessing my parenting decisions more often and feeling more defensive than usual about my mothering.

I think it's just a rough patch. This too shall pass. Parenting is about keeping your eyes on the prize: the kind of people you turn out when your mothering job is complete. But I am struck by how much Adrienne's descriptions of her feelings of inadequacy with her new baby parallel the way I've felt lately...